Love, Bring me back
by LcarbyM
Summary: Carby, AU. After the death of Abby's husband, and Carter's best friend, Carter and Abby are forced to deal with their true feelings for each other, and find a way to move on with their lives. CHAPTERS FIXED!
1. Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

This is a Carby, or will be eventually. I got this idea awhile back but never did anything with it so if you don't like it let me know I won't bother to continue. Basically all you need to know is that Abby was married to a man named Andrew and they have a two year old son Jake. Carter was Andrew's best friend they met in med school and he is also Abby's good friend. They are all Attendings at County.

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Carter's POV

I don't think I have ever woken up in my entire life feeling so horrible. Maybe when Bobby died, but even then I was to young to understand. Now it just feels like waking up is pointless. But I have to, for her and for that poor little boy who will never truly know his father.

Placing on my black tie, I realize that no matter how many times I have put on a black suit it has never made me feel this depressed. This is it, no going back now, I think that's what is so hard. I tuck my speech that is scribbled on a crumpled piece of paper into my pocket, knowing that when I approach the stand I won't be able to read any of these words, they're just not enough. He deserves more.

I reach their house, 4th and elm. I have been here so many times before but I don't think I will ever be able to walk into that house without a feeling of sadness washing over me. I knock, taking the time it takes for her to answer the door to compose myself, I can't be falling apart. Not in front of her. When she doesn't answer I decide to let myself in knowing that she isn't coming. I walk up the stairs and up to her bedroom pushing the door open slowly. She is sitting at the edge of the bed, fully dressed in his clothing and staring at a family picture. I smile softly when she finally sees me standing there and she smiles back with sadness tainting her brown eyes.

"I can't do it, I can't go." she says placing the picture back on the night stand and grabbing a tissue.

"Abby I know this has got to be incredibly hard for you, but I think you should go. This is everyone's chance to honor him. You'll regret it if you don't say goodbye, I know you will." I say in my best attempt to convince her to come to the funeral with me. I know she will hate herself if she doesn't and I think she needs some closure.

"I'm a wreck. I just, I don't think I can be around other people right now... besides, I'm not ready to say goodbye." She says tears streaming down her face. She begins quickly wiping her face, turning to face the other direction at the sight of something behind me, and I turn to see Jake in the doorway.

"Sorry Abby, he was getting really fussy." Anna, the nanny says apologizing for bringing Jake in.

"No, it's ok. Come here baby." She says taking him from Anna. I feel a ping through my heart seeing him. He's only two and he just lost his father, it's not fair.

"Hey, why don't I take him and you can get dressed." I suggest, pushing a little. She looks at me then him before nodding her head.

"It'll be ok. I'll be there with you ok?" she nods, wiping her eyes with one hand and supporting Jake's bottom with the other. I take him from Abby and he comes willingly, he knows me well enough not to cry.

I bring him downstairs with me and outside to play on the swing set. He giggles along as I push him on the swing and I smile. I am glad that he is too young to understand what is going on, at the same time I know how hard it is going to be for Abby when he starts calling for his dad.

I see her walk out, dressed in black and carrying a plastic bag of something I can't make out. She kisses the baby goodbye before handing him to Anna and following me towards the car.

"What's in the bag?" I ask turning down the radio.

"I have to return this to the hospital." she says holding up an IV tube. "I figured we could stop there."

"Do you think you really need to be doing that today?"

"What's the difference." She says as more of a statement then a question, so I don't give an explanation.

When we arrive at the church, I can see Abby playing with her hands intently and I know she is nervous. I grab her hand smiling I can feel the sweat resting in her palms.

"You ok?"

"No." She replies looking out the window at the people walking inside. "It shouldn't be like this, it... it wasn't suppose to be like this." she says slowly with a bit of anger in her tone.

"I know." Is all I can manage to say. I climb out of the car and walk over to open her door. She hesitates and then climbs out as well following me into the church. We walk in and are immediately swarmed with apologies and hugs. I can tell Abby is overwhelmed so I do most of the talking for her and finally I manage to get her to her seat. Susan is here, along with most of the ER staff and even some people from the other departments of the hospital. I can see Andrew's parents behind us, stone faced and pale. Abby's mother couldn't make it, and I think she is happy about that but Eric is here along with his wife.

When it is my time to make a final speech I find myself mumbling as I push back tears. Abby is a mess, as are Susan and Chuck. We were all pretty close with him, I don't think the hospital will be the same without him there.

"...and don't worry buddy," I say looking up. "I'll keep my promise." I say finishing and coming down from the stand. Abby gives me a weird look but dismisses it probably thinking it was something personal between the two of us.

After the funeral is over and the burial ceremony has ended, everyone says there goodbyes to Abby before leaving her alone at the grave site. The site of the fresh dirt is making me want to puke and I can see that Abby is feeling the same way.

"Do you want me to bring you home now?" I ask.

"I should get home to Jake she says." she replies like she needs an excuse to leave. I think she feels guilty. I begin walking to the car leaving her alone for a minute to say her goodbyes in private. I can see her approaching the car after a minute, red-stained face and swollen eyes. I find myself drifting off in thought to last week.

Flashback:

"Carter, I need to ask you something." Andrew says turning his head as far as possible in his weak condition.

"What is it?" I ask hesitantly. He has been acting very odd these past few days, like he has just given up.

"I want you to take care of her, for me. Her and Jake."

"Andrew don't talk like that you're gonna be here to do that yourself-"

"No I'm not!" he yelled will all the strength he had. "Look we all need to face the facts that it's not long now. I need to know that I have someone here for them, someone I trust."

"Of course man. Of course." I say trying to calm him down. I know how hard this is for him, to know he isn't going to be with them anymore.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Now watching her putting Jake to bed, I feel like I'm not worthy enough for this. It's not fair that I am here with his wife and son while he is lying six feet under. I find myself getting incredibly anger so I decide to leave the room before Abby sees me. She doesn't need this.

"He finally stopped crying." she says walking out onto the back porch where I am leaning against the railing, debating on whether or not I should kick the crap out of it. I decide not to damage others property.

"That's good. Maybe he'll stay asleep for you so you can get a good night's sleep." I say noticing how tired she looks.

"Yea, I think... i think he knows, that's why he's so fussy." I look at her confused but I realize what she means after a minute. He realizes that Andrew isn't here. Kids aren't stupid, I think we underestimate them. "He wants Andrew."

"It's going to be hard Abby." I say rubbing her shoulder and she nods. I pull her into a hug and I can feel her self slowly release the tension in her body. I know how I am feeling right now, but I also know it doesn't compare to how she is feeling.

"We'll get through this." I say to her and she begins to cry harder into my shirt. I let myself release a few tears as well, or rather I have no control over it. So we stand there, broken and angry.

I hear a muffled noise and Abby jumps a little. She pulls the baby monitor out of her pocket and sighs.

"I'll get him." I say taking the monitor out of her hand and turning it off. "Go to bed ok?"

"Thanks John, but it's ok." She says before walking inside. I decide to clean up the house for her while she is upstairs so that she doesn't have to do it in the morning. By the time I have picked things up she still hasn't come down and I suspect that she is having problems getting Jake to sleep so I walk upstairs to check on her.

When I walk into his room I see them both, asleep, in the rocking chair. She is clinging Jake to her like he is going to leave as well, and he is laying on her shoulder, a piece of her hair in his hand. I finally let myself break down for the first time today, sitting in the corner of the room against the dresser. Warm tears stream down my face as I silently talk to Andrew telling him about the sight before me. I'm sure he sees it, but it helps me feel better that I let him know.

I get up, taking Jake from Abby and placing him in his crib before carrying Abby down the hall and into her room. I place her in bed, pulling the covers over her and brushing the hair out of her eyes. I can see that she is grasping something in her hand and I open it up to see Andrew's wedding ring. Towards the end of the cancer he was to thin and his ring no longer fit on his finger. She must have kept it instead of burying it with him. I pick it up and place it on a chain on the dresser so it doesn't get lost.

As I walk downstairs I stop in his office to pull out a photo album from a couple years back. Curling up in the chair I flip through the pages of memories, laughing and crying at all the times we shared together. There are a lot of pictures from med school, it was our way of getting through all the work I guess. I see a picture from graduation, and one from the first day of residency at County. It was the only picture from that day considering we were running around so much. We thought we were so cool I laugh to myself. Man he sure changed when he met Abby. I still remember that day, walking down the halls of the hospital, 4th day of residency and he collided right into her. We both immediately fell in love with her, it was a constant competition. That makes me laugh harder. They belonged together, they were perfect. Were. At that thought I close the photo album placing it at my side. This isn't fair, they only had four years together.

I don't know how we are going to get through this. Life seems so surreal now that he isn't sitting in front of me, cracking jokes and riding me for not finding a girl yet. All I have left are memories and a promise. I promised him that I would take care of Abby and Jake and I intend to keep that promise. I owe him that much.

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So I had some free time and since winter break is coming I decided to write this chapter since I would have time to write a new fic. I have finals all next week so I won't be updating til after then though if you guys like it.

Please review. Sorry about the sad first chapter, things will get better.


	2. It's ok to miss him

Hope you guys liked the first chapter. Sorry, I know it was sad but the story is going to start off sad for a few chapters. Things will get better though.

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"Alright, we'll call and let you know." I say shaking the man's hand and showing him out the door. That's the sixth doctor I have interviewed today and I still can't find anyone I like. Maybe it's because they don't measure up to Andrew, who knows, I am probably just setting my standards too high. It's hard though, trying to find someone to replace your best friend.

It has only been three weeks since Andrew's death, and we are still trying to get things back to normal. As much as we were prepared for his death I don't think we were truly ready. I don't think there has been one day that Abby's hasn't broke down to me. I don't know what to do to help her and I am afraid that she is burying herself in her work so that she doesn't have to think about him. At first she didn't even want to come to the hospital. I can't say I blame her, this is where he spent most of his time, healthy or sick, and I think being here probably reminds her of him, I know it does for me. But, I suppose that being at home is worse, at least I can go home to clear my mind of things.

I have been trying my best to help Abby out with Jake and everything that she has had to handle concerning Andrew's death but it hasn't been easy. She hates asking for help and I feel like she is just trying to push everyone away. Jake cries all the time, he asks for Andrew a lot and I know it breaks Abby's heart to tell him that he isn't coming home. Jake doesn't understand of course, but I think that he is getting a little better.

I walk outside of the lounge to check the board for new patients when I see Abby running inside with Jake at her hip. I am little confused at first, I thought that she was on today... why is Jake with her? She looks completely stressed and miserable, everyone can tell she hasn't slept in days and I think that she has stopped eating properly.

"Hey Carter, sorry I'm late but Anna cancelled on me and I didn't have anyone to watch Jake." she explains like she is reporting to her boss rather then her friend, she knows that I don't mind if she is late.

"She cancelled? That's not like her. Well, I'm sure everyone can keep an eye on him and then I will take him with me when I am done ok?" I offer trying to relive some of her stress load.

"No, Carter you don't have to do that. I was just going to ask Susan to take him."

"Well she's on all night. It's not a big deal, really."

"Are you sure, I feel like I have been bugging you a lot lately."

"Abby it's fine." she nods handing him to one of the nurses at the desk and we walk towards the lounge.

"How are you doing, you look stressed." I ask and she just shrugs her shoulders.

"That happens when you're a single mother I guess." I cringe at her words but I don't say anything. She is going through her bitter stage I think, almost blaming Andrew for not being here. I guess that is just apart of grieving.

"Abby you know if you need any help to just call me. Don't wear yourself out."

"I know, I'm doing ok though, things are slowly getting better." she tells me but I don't believe her. She throws on her lab coat and walks out of the lounge to start her day. I decide to clock out and take Jake home. Kerry isn't around to yell at me and I don't think he really needs to be here so I leave a note for Abby at the desk letting her know that I will be at her house when she is done. Hopefully things will be slow for her today.

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After putting Jake to bed I decided to try and finish up some paperwork that I brought home with me. By the time I reach the second chart I am already thinking of something else. I just can't seem to keep my mind on work. When I put Jake to bed he asked for his dad, at that moment I knew how Abby must feel every night. This isn't fair to him, he should have the chance to grow up with a father.

I throw my charts to the side of the table, realizing that I won't be finishing them tonight. I walk upstairs into Jake's room and I can see that he is still awake, staring at the bear next to him. I smile at the innocence he holds in this situation and I almost wish I could go back to being that young, when I didn't have any worries or responsibilities.

"Hey Buddy, what are you doing up still?" I ask rubbing his head. He smiles at me and mumbles something about the bear. He can talk now but he still can't pronounce certain words.

"Hi." I hear Abby's voice and I turn to see her standing in the doorway. She walks over to the crib and Jake immediately gets up when he sees Abby.

"Hi baby. You are suppose to be sleeping." she says picking him up out of the crib. I smile seeing his excitement and I take her bag so she can hold him.

She meets me downstairs after awhile as I am placing my coat on. She looks exhausted and I almost want to tell her to take tomorrow off but I think she would rip her hair out if she was home all day.

"Thanks for staying so late Carter, I really appreciate it." she says walking over to me.

"No problem, he was great. I think we should get him a play stethoscope, he played with this one for hours." I laugh showing her the old stethoscope I found in his toy chest. I see Abby's face fall and I realize it's not hers.

"Where did you find that?" She asks her voice cracking.

"It was in his toy chest upstairs. I thought it was yours." I say feeling guilty and awkward. She takes it from my hand and walks over to the kitchen throwing it in the garbage. She leans against the counter letting out a breath and I know she is trying not to cry.

I walk up to her and put my hands on her shoulders, trying to turn her around but she pushes me off.

"Abby you don't have to rid this house of all of his things, it's ok to remember him." I whisper to her and she slides down the counter in painful tears. I sit down next to her, pulling her to my chest and she sobs into my shirt. I have noticed that she got rid of most of his things, it looks like he never lived here.

"I don't know what to do anymore, it's not getting any better I just miss him... all the time." she says chocking on her sobs.

"It's ok to miss him. I miss him too Abby, everyday. But it's going to get easier. I promise." I say hugging her tighter. "I promise."

We sit there for awhile before she pulls herself together and wipes her eyes. She laughs with slight embarrassment just as she does every time she cries in front of me. I don't know why she feels embarrassed but I don't call her out on it

"I guess I should go to bed... do you wanna stay here tonight or-"

"No, I should go home. I'll see you at work tomorrow ok?" I ask unsure if I should leave but I know I don't need to stay tonight. I have stayed here a lot lately, helping her out or just being here so she has someone to talk to.

"Ok. Thank you." she says hugging me once we stand up. I grab my papers and car keys and she walks me to the door.

"It's ok to miss him." I say rubbing her cheek and she smiles and nods before I walk out the door.

Sitting in my car I look up at the house wondering just how long it is going to take for things to get back to normal. Can they? I mean normal to us has Andrew here and that's just not a possibility. I just want to see Abby smile again, she deserves to be happy. Hopefully overtime things will get better for her. Hopefully overtime we will be able to move on.

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Please review.


	3. Drunken Sorrows

I haven't been getting many reviews so I hope you guys are liking the story, please review or I won't bother to continue posting.

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Walking through the cemetery this morning I notice that is especially cold for September. I can see Abby sitting at the edge of his grave and I almost hesitate continuing because I don't want to intrude. I wasn't sure if I would see her here today, she had been doing so well until this week came and she began to fall back into a depressive state.

It's been exactly one year since Andrew's death So much has happened over the past couple of months, Jake turned three, his party was actually a lot of fun and I feel like Abby finally let herself have a good time. She has been doing really well lately, like she finally put everything behind her and let herself be happy again.

I see her jump and the sound of the crunching leaves and she turns around startled.

"Hi." She says smiling, I think I scared her a little bit.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you... how are you doing?" I ask slowly. I don't want her to think I am prying but she has been extra emotional these past couple of days.

"Um, ok I guess. It's going to be a hard day." she says and I nod. I take a seat next to her on the grass.

"I don't know why talking to him makes me feel better, I doubt he even knows I am here."

"He knows Abby, he also knows that you have been falling asleep in the lounge during shifts-"

"Hey!" she hits my on the chest. "I was tried... he must be shaking his head up there huh?" she laughs sadly.

"Yea. It's ok though, he saw me flip weaver off yesterday, it made him laugh. I know it." I say thinking of all of our fun times together picking on Kerry. I felt like Andrew was my brother, I know he would have laughed.

She smiles laughing a bit and I am glad that I am able to make her laugh at such a time. After sitting there for awhile, talking to each other and to Andrew we decide to get up and walk to work together. As we are walking out of the cemetery I notice a woman walking over to Andrew's grave and I pause to see if I can recognize her. Abby sees me stop and when she turns and sees the woman I notice her face tighten.

"Do you know her?" I ask curiously. I can seem to pinpoint who it is.

"Uh, no. I don't." She says and for a moment I feel like she is lying. I decide to leave it alone, and I continue walking watching Abby's face turn from sadness to anger.

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I had finally convinced Abby to go out with Susan tonight, I figured it would help her get her mind off of things. But as midnight rolled around I started to get worried. She said she would be home by 11 and I couldn't reach her or Susan on their cell phones. I would like to think that she is just having fun and she lost track of time, but in the back of my mind all I was thinking was that something happened.

The phone rang and I rushed to answer it before it woke Jake up. It had taken me forever to get him to sleep without Abby here.

"Hello?"

"Carter.. hey I'm outside, I need you to come out and help me with Abby." It was Susan. I hung up the phone and walked outside, I was surprised to see her stumbling towards the door with Abby.

"Is she drunk!?" I asked. She hasn't picked up a drink in years and I never thought she would again after she had Jake.

"What do you think." She asked me like I was blind. "Look, she already had the drink in her hand before I could stop her. I know she isn't suppose to be drinking but jesus I didn't have the strength to take it away from her, not today." I know what she means, I almost want to say she deserves to have a drink today, but I know that isn't how it works when you're an addict.

I take her from Susan and help her up the stairs, she is wasted, no doubt about it. She is practically falling up the stairs and she keeps mumbling something about how she left Andrew's girlfriend at the bar.

I let Susan leave and I help Abby up to her bedroom. She tries to change into her pajamas but she just ends up putting her old shirt back on again, and backwards as a matter of fact. I help her put her clothes on, trying to ignore the fact that she is sitting in her underwear and reminding myself of the situation.

"Everything... everything is spinning." she says to me covering her face in her hands. I walk her into the bathroom, hoping she will puke some of the alcohol out of her system but she just leans her head back against the bathtub and stares at me.

"What?" I ask her. She continues to stare curiously and I wonder to myself what she is thinking.

"You look like him." she says after a long silence. I look at her questioningly.

"Like who?"

"Andrew." she says surprising me. I don't think we look anything alike personally. "I didn't touch her, I was good." she laughs to herself and I start to think she is delusional. How much did she drink.

"What are you talking about?" I ask sitting down next to her. She rests her head on my shoulder.

"I could have hit her, or yelled at her. Or, or something... I can't believe she came to his gra- his grave." she says stuttering a little. I knew she knew who that girl was.

"Who is she?"

"Ha. What you never met her?" she asks like I am lying to her.

"No, I haven't." I say honestly and she just looks at me.

"He didn't tell you?" She says sadly and more quiet. I shake my head and I can see her starting to cry.

"A few months after we got married, he cheated on me with her. Only once he said but I, I was so angry...we fought and we were going to separate but then I got, got pregnant." She tells me with bitter ringing in her tone. I am in complete shock. "Once we found out about Jake, we decided to stay together, everything went back to normal... better then normal. So I chose to forgive him."

I take all of this in slowly, not being able to accept that my best friend could be this man she is talking about.

"I thought that, that, that when he came to stay with you that week he told you. We both decided not to talk about it too anyone so I never brought it up, but I figured you knew." she mumbles.

It dawns on me that he did stay with me for a week the first year of their marriage. He said they had gotten into a fight over money problems and that it wasn't anything serious. When he moved back in I assumed they had worked things out. I can't believe he would do that to Abby, and that he lied to me. I don't know what to say.

"I need to put Jake to bed." she says suddenly like she forgot. I pull on her arm telling her I already did it. She looks tired so I help her up and into bed. As I pull the covers over her head she grabs my face in her hands and looks deep in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask curiously. She looks like hell.

"I'm sorry." she replies, and I just look at her. She kisses me, catching me off guard and I don't know how to respond. I stand there for a minute, letting her kiss me and I even kiss her back. But it doesn't last, I pull away a little voice clicking in my head that this is wrong.

"Abby, no stop." I say softly not wanting her to react wrong, knowing she isn't thinking clearly.

"What's wrong?" She asks me but I just say goodnight and pull her hand away from my arm. She turns over and falls asleep quickly, and I take a seat in the corner of the room.

I have so many things running through my head right now. I'm mad at Andrew for cheating on Abby, for lying to me. I'm mad at Abby for relapsing even though I don't blame her, and I'm mad at myself. I feel like I didn't truly know my best friend, that I should have seen through him. That I shouldn't have enjoyed kissing his wife a minute ago.

Hours pass and I sit there, not being able to shut off my mind. I wonder if Abby is going to remember kissing me when she sobers up? Is that going to make things weird between us? Did she even want to kiss me? I can't seem to stop thinking about the kiss, mainly because I didn't pull away. I feel guilty, like I took advantage of her while she was drunk. I fall asleep after awhile only to wake to the sun shinning through the curtains shortly after.

I see her toss in her bed before getting up quickly and walking into the bathroom. I can hear her vomiting. She walks out a few minutes later and sees me sitting in the corner. She smiles looking guilty and I know now that she is sobering up.

"I feel like shit." she says rubbing her head.

"That's what happens when you get drunk." I reply rather cold. Abby and I worked so hard together to stay clean. It was like we were a support for each other because no one else understood what we were going through.

"I'm sorry Carter. I don't know what I was thinking." She says sitting on the bed. I come and sit next to her.

"Abby I know it's been hard for you lately, especially today. But I just don't want to see you go back to that. I know you don't want to, think about Jake."

"Oh my god, he didn't see me did he?" She asks frantic and I shake my head.

"He's been asleep all night actually."

"I messed up. I just, I wanted to forget." she says and I can hear the sorrow in her voice. I hug her to me and she embraces me. I don't think she remembers our kiss just hours ago. I actually think she is still a little drunk but she can hold it well, I guess hundreds of hangovers will do that to you.

"I'll make you something to eat." she scowls but agrees before walking down the hall to get her son. I come up to get her when her food is ready and I see her playing with Jake in his room.

"You think you can eat?" I ask sitting down and handing Jake a truck near by. She looks up at me and nods.

"I can't believe I did that. I swore I wouldn't touch any alcohol for Jake."

"Abby, it was a tough day. We'll just go to a meeting later ok? We all make mistakes." I say trying to ease her guilty conscience but silently staying angry with her. I realize she doesn't remember the kiss so I don't say anything, I don't want her feeling more guilty then she already does. I get up and walk towards that door with Jake in my arms. Abby gets up following me downstairs. She sits down to eat and I bring Jake in the living room to watch a movie. As I sit there on the couch holding Jake, I realize that I have gotten a little to comfortable being here and around Abby. I think that I need to start taking a step back.

Last night changed so many things for me. Not only did I become incredibly confused about my feelings for Abby, but I feel like I unintentionally lost respect for Andrew. I don't know what I am feeling, but I know that I have never felt so guilty for feeling the way I do. I can't be falling for Abby, she's Andrew's wife. It just isn't right, I would never do that to him. I think it's time that Abby and I stop spending so much time together. Cause whatever I am feeling, It is only getting stronger by the day.

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Hope you liked it, please review.

Next chapter: At Susan's baby shower Carter talks with Susan about his new feelings for Abby, and Jake's new attachment to Carter causes Abby and Carter to fight.


	4. Daddy

Someone from another board brought to my attention that I had forgotten to post this chapter, my apologies i hope things didn't seem to out of order.

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One week later.

This is crazy. I have never seen so much pink in my life, and it's all sitting in one room. Susan and all the other women are sitting around the living room, oowing and awwing and the cute outfits, me I prefer to stay in the kitchen. I have been trying to avoid Abby for most of the night, and even this past week at work. I think it is time we start spending some time apart, but I don't know how to explain that to her, she doesn't remember kissing me, so she wouldn't understand. I don't know what is wrong with me, I have known Abby for years and she has always been my best friend. Why am I suddenly developing romantic feelings for her? I feel so guilty, I just keep thinking of Andrew. This is Andrew's wife. Even if he is gone. I have to get over this.

"Hiding out?" Susan asks walking in the kitchen. I jump on the counter nodding my head.

"I feel kind of singled out here." I laugh. Chuck and Mark are here but they went outside.

"Oh, I thought you were just avoiding Abby, I didn't realize you were hiding from all of us girls." she says giving me a sly look.

"I'm not avoiding anyone, especially Abby." Liar.

"Carter, what's going on with you two? She isn't stupid, she knows you have been avoiding her, and frankly I think everyone knows it. Besides you're a horrible liar."

"I don't know, I just don't think it's good for us to be spending so much time together-"

"Why cause you're in love with her? Carter you-"

"Wow, wait. In love with her? Where did you get that from, Abby and I are just friends."

"You have been in love with Abby since the day you met her." she says and I am at a loss for words. Does everyone think this? I decide to tell Susan how I feel.

"That night you brought her home, when she was drunk. She kissed me. She doesn't remember or anything, but after that it's been really hard to be around her."

"Did you tell her what happened?" I shake my head no.

"I don't want her to feel any worse about that night then she already does."

"Who says she would. You won't know until you talk to her about it."

"I just don't know what to do, I feel so guilty for feeling like this, I mean it's Abby. She's one of my best friends and she's great, but what about Andrew. I mean I could never-"

"Carter look, I have known that you had feelings for Abby for awhile. I mean when you guys first met all those years ago you liked her! But you stepped back for Andrew. And I love Andrew, I do. But he's gone. As sad as it is he's gone and he isn't coming back. You don't have to hide your feelings anymore, he would want you to be happy."

"I'm not sure being with Abby qualifies." Yea, Andrew was always pushing me to find someone and settle down, he would want me to be happy. But I doubt he would want me to be happy with his wife.

"All I can say is, you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel. It's only been a year, but give her sometime." She says patting my shoulder and getting back to her guests. I see Abby come around the corner and I instantly get nervous, I hope she didn't hear any of that.

"Hey, you've been in here all night." She says leaning against the counter.

"Yea, it's kind of weird being the only guy here... I think I am going to head out anyways." I say getting down and walking towards the doorway.

"John, did I do something wrong? I feel like you have been, I don't know. Avoiding me, I guess."

"No, it's just been one of those weeks. I'm sorry." I say, I feel bad that she feels that way, even though it is true.

"ok, well I'll see you tomorrow? I'm going to take Jake to the park, he would really like to see you." She's right, avoiding Abby kind of meant avoiding Jake as well, and that's not fair to either of them. I need to suck it up. I miss that little guy.

"Sure, just call me."

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The next morning I headed over to Abby's feeling alot better. After talking to Susan, I realized that I had always kind of felt this way towards Abby. I mean the first day I met her, Andrew and I were automatically fighting for her. There was just something about her. But I put my feelings aside once they got together, and I guess I just made myself believe that I only saw her as a friend. Now that Andrew is gone, I think I am seeing that I was always in love with her. As guilty as that makes me feel, I almost feel relieved, to know that I spent the past six years being friends with her while I had feelings for her. Maybe it can be done.

Jake was so excited to see me that I realized that I need to really think of him when I start brushing Abby off like that. He has gotten so used to me being around, I am pretty much that only father figure he has now.

"So we put in chest tube and set him to OR. It was crazy." Abby says, explaining a case she had earlier in the week. I am only half listening as I watch her getting so excited. I keep thinking back to what Andrew said to me before he died.

"Jake no!" She yells bringing me out of my thoughts. I look over to see Jake climbing to the top of the castle. He looks like he is going to jump. And he does.

Abby panics running over to him as he begins to cry. She picks him checking him over, just a scrap on his arm it looks like.

"I guess we should go home." she mumbles picking up his bag. I grab his cup and follow.

When we get back to Abby's I put Jake up on the table and bandage him up. He is still crying, and Abby is worried that he broke something.

"Are you sure he's ok?" She asks.

"He'll be fine, just a pretty big scrap. I think it probably scared him more then anything else." I point out and she nods her head. I don't think I have ever seen her so worried, she's a really good mother.

She brushes his hair back taking him into her lap. He holds his arm out to me showing me his scrap.

"I have a boo boo." he mumbles and I smile. " It hurts daddy." he says and my jaw drops along with Abby's.

I can see by the look on her face that she is upset. He has never called me daddy before, but I can see why he would.

"I'm gonna lay him down for a nap." Is all she says getting up quickly and walking out of the kitchen. I just stand there not knowing what to do.

When she comes back downstairs I can tell she is anything but happy. She tries to busy herself witht the dishes to avoid the subject but I can't let it go.

"Abby, I can talk to him."

"Don't... I, I don't know what to say to him yet."

"Well I'll just explain it to him-"

"Explain what Carter?! You're just going to confuse him and probably upset him."

"Well what do you want me to do then, you are obivously pissed off about this!" I yell back. I feel bad for Abby because I know she is thinking of Andrew right now, but I am also secretly upset that she doesn't like him thinking of me as his dad. When I realize this I find myself being the confused one.

"I'm not pissed off!... look, I'm not mad Carter. But you're not his father, it isn't healthy for him to think that."

"Why not? It's not that out there, I mean I am here all the time, we're close. And I am pretty much the only guy around. He doesn't know."

"But you're not his father Carter. No matter how much you are here, you're not his dad. He shouldn't be thinking that. He's just going to get older and realize the truth and then what do we say. What do you say when he's heartbroken and confused because he doesn't have a father!" she yells beginning to cry. I pull her into a hug and although she resists at first she gives in.

"Ok, I'm sorry. I'll talk to him." I give feeling like I just got my heart ripped out. "I just thought that, maybe it was good that he had a father figure around."

"Carter, it's not that I don't like him thinking of you that way. I know I said all that stuff, but it's... it's just that I'm upset that he doesn't get to have his real father around. He doesn't even remember him anymore, it's not fair." she says sniffling a little. I nod in understanding.

"Maybe I should step back a bit then? I can stop spending so much time with him if you want." I say trying to make her happy but also myself. She shoots me a look and I can tell she is upset.

"No, no John I don't want that. I just...I wanted him to know his father. I wanted Andrew to be here. It scared me when he called you dad, I was expecting it to happen eventually, but I just wasn't prepared."

"I understand... why don't you let me talk to him?"

"OK. I just don't want to hurt him."

"I know." I say brushing the tears from the corner of her eye. She looks up at me and I automatically get that surge in my heart. Being around Abby, and not being with her, isn't going to be as easy as I thought.

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So, kind of rushed through that chapter, I didn't know where to go from the last chapter so I hope it's not to bad.

Please Review!!


	5. Pursuit of Happiness

Thanks for the reviews everyone! Keep it coming!

One month later...

"Carter! You have a phone call." Frank yells from the front desk as I walk by. Considering Abby is the only one that calls me on the hospital phone, and she's here, I am a little nervous.

"who is it?" I ask taking the phone from Frank.

"How the hell should I know." is all I get.

"Hello?"

"John, I have been trying to reach you all day. Don't they give you messages at that damn hospital?"

"Dad?"

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I hate when my father does this. Once a year he decides that he has some free time to see his son and forces me into going out to dinner. It's pointless, I go and sit in complete silence while he rides me about everything in my life.

'Why do you work in that damn hospital John? Why haven't you found a girl John? When are you gonna come work for he family John?'

Uh, I can hear it now. This is the last thing I need right now.

"Abby, wait up." I yell running down the hall.

"Hey Carter, um the girl in sutures is waiting to be discharged, Weaver has been looking for you." she says warning me.

"Damn, I forgot, I've been on the phone with my dad for the past 15 minutes trying to get out of dinner plans."

"ha. That time again huh?" She laughs knowing very well he pulls this every year. "Carter, it's only one night. Why don't you guys try and get along for a change?"

"It's not me, it's him. You know how he is... anyways that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What do you mean?" she asks suspicious.

"Look, I really don't want to go tonight, but since I am not going to get out of it I was... well I was wondering if you would come-"

"Carter-"

"No, you guys get along so well, It would be so much easier on me and probably him if you came... please." I beg. My father loves Abby and I know that it would take a lot of pressure off of me if someone else was there.

"Isn't it suppose to be a father son kind of thing... I don't want to intrude."

"You won't be... trust me. Please, I really want you to come." I say trying to convince her. She pauses for a minute before answering.

"Fine. I'll go, but you have to promise to at least try to get along with him. I'm not gonna sit there all night if you guys are going to be bickering."

"Scout's honor." I say holding my hand up. She laughs at this.

"Go discharge your head lac before you get fired." she says throwing the chart in my lap.

"I owe you!"

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"I just don't understand why you would want to work at that damn hospital John, you could be making much better salary working for the foundation."

"It's not about the money dad."

"Well how about the environment then, that damn hospital is disgusting John-"

"Hey, I work there too Jack." Abby says approaching the table. Jesus I thought she wasn't going to show.

"Abby? Well, what a surprise." My dad says getting up to hug her. I don't know how they get along so well.

"I invited her to dinner dad." I add explaining why she is here. He looks surprised and a tad upset but he doesn't say anything.

"Now Abigail, I was simply explaining to John that he should get his act together and come work for me." She smiles a little, I assume laughing inside because she knows how much I hate when he talks about this.

"Dad enough ok."

"Fine, but we are going to talk about this later." he says deciding to actually give it a rest. We order and Abby keeps the peace by preoccupying my father with interesting stories from the hospital. He listens intently as I wonder why he doesn't want me to be a doctor when he thinks it's so fascinating.

"You know, Jennifer is getting married in December." Uh here we go.

"Ya, I got the invitation Dad."

"Did you know that she is only 26, now John here is going on 33 and he still hasn't gotten married-"

"Dad. Please." I say forcefully. I don't want to talk about this again, especially when Abby is here.

"Well I'm just saying, you know I think it's about time you put a ring on his girls finger." he says nodding towards Abby. I am sure that my face matches her ten shades of red at this moment.

"Uh, no dad-"

"What?! John you aren't going to find another one like this." he smiles at Abby. "Unless you want your mother to throw some more of those mindless bimbos your way, what's the problem."

"Dad, Abby and I are just friends."

"Oh, stop."

"No, we are just friends dad." he looks at me almost shocked and I can see Abby is uncomfortable yet amused by the look on her face.

"Uh, well then. I apologize... I assumed-"

"You assumed wrong, now can we drop it." I end the conversation there hoping he doesn't continue, and he doesn't. I think I actually embarrassed him.

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After dinner Abby and I went back to her place to wind down. I hate these damn dinners, I always leave the restaurant ready to punch someone.

"Carter, it wasn't that bad." Abby says laughing at my childish complaining.

"Not that bad? The man is so arrogant, uh... he just can't let it go that I don't want to work for the foundation."

"Here." She says handing my a cup of coffee. "Let's talk about something else." she laughs.

"Sorry." I say feeling stupid for going on so much. She sits down next to me on the couch and throws a blanket over our legs. Jake is at Susan's, spending the night with Cosmo so it is actually quiet in here for a change.

"You want to watch a movie?" She asks and I start getting nervous. I hate when I get like this, but sitting here, alone for once. I don't know what to say.

"Uh, sure." She get up putting a movie on and then comes back to sit next to me, and we are touching shoulder to shoulder. When she leans her head down on me, my heart starts racing.

"Are you happy?" She asks me out of the blue.

"Where did that come from?" I ask and she sits up to face me.

"Just answer me."

"Well.. yea, I'm happy."

"Good."

"That's it? Good."

"I was just thinking about your dad and everything he was saying. I just don't agree with him. If you're happy with your life then don't let what he says get to you." she says turning her body to face the screen. I smile a little.

"Thanks." I say grabbing her hand. She smiles at me and squeezes my hand in response, bringing our entwined fingers into her lap.

Abby and I have always been incredibly close, but never physically. I think this is the first time we have ever been so touchy when it wasn't about comfort. She leans her head back on my shoulder and I put my arm around her in response. She doesn't move so I take that as a good sign.

Am I actually cuddling with Abby? I feel like such a teenager as I sit staring at her. At the same time I don't think you can feel this head over heels as a teenager. I sit there shifting my eyes from the screen to Abby when I feel my eyes getting heavy. I notice that she has fallen asleep and no sooner then that I am out as well.

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Please review


	6. Time to move on

Thanks for the reviews guys! Sorry for the late update, and this chapter is kind of scattered but I hope you like it.

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"So that's it?"

"Yea... what? Ok, it's a big deal to me."

"Carter, look. Not all friends fall asleep together cuddling on the couch, but you and Abby have always been close..."

"You don't understand Susan. I don't know what to make of anything she does anymore. I mean we woke up and she freaked, she took one look at a family picture on the coffee table and she couldn't get away from me sooner... doesn't that show that she feels guilty... and she shouldn't feel that way if we are just friends-"

"You told me you felt guilty because of Andrew-"

"I know, but that's because I like her in a romantic way, I know I am not thinking of us as friends." This wouldn't have been a big deal if Abby hadn't reacted the way she did. It just made me think for the first time that she may be returning my feelings. Now it's like I don't know how to act around her or something.

"I already told you that I thought she could have feelings for you, you need to talk to her. That's the only way you'll know for sure." she says shrugging her shoulders and walking into the exam room.

Abby and I are both on today, and although we aren't avoiding each other or anything like that, things are a little awkward between us. We woke up on her couch this morning, curled up in each others limbs and both feeling like we were doing something wrong. It's amazing what one picture can do.

"Carter, trauma coming in!" Haleh yells from down the hall. I grab my stethoscope and run to ambulance bay. I slow down a little when I see Abby already there but she nods for me to help.

"I could use some help, there's another one coming right behind." I nod waiting for the next ambulance to pull in and she wheels the guy inside.

"Nathan Smith. 2nd Degree burns to legs and abdomen, pulse is 140/70." the EMT reads off to me as we wheel him into the trauma room. We stabilize him and send him up to ICU and I head next door to help Abby.

"Oh, please. You're just being nice." I hear her laughing as I walk into the room.

"Hey, you need any help?"

"Uh sure, I have to reset his leg, could you help me?"

"Sure... did you give him any anesthetic?" I ask noticing how alert he is.

"He refused, doesn't want any pain meds-"

"Uh, you know this is going to be extremely painful right sir?"

"No problem, no pain no gain right." I roll my eyes at his cliche as I stabilize his hip. Abby grabs his knee and he smiles.

"Be gentle doc." uh, I'm gonna throw up. This guy is actually hitting on Abby, with a broken femur and burns on his arm. I'd say he's quite a champ but I am just hating him right now.

"I can't promise anything Dan." Oh we're going by first names are we?

"AW!!"

"Carter I told you to stablize!" Abby yells at me as the patient screams. I was too busy being petty that I forgot what I was doing.

"I did, I-"

"Sorry about that, but we're all done now."

"You know, you could really hurt a man's ego making him cry like this."

"ha, I'm sure."

"I think you ow me... how bout dinner when I get out of here?" Oh jeez. Buddy you aren't getting out of here for another week and Abby will have forgotten you by then.

"Uh.." she starts to answer as she looks up at me, almost like she is asking for approval. I throw my gloves down and walk out the door. She can do what she wants.

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"And he asked you out... oh god." Susan laughs as Carter walks into the lounge. We are sitting at the table doing charts.

"Doesn't anyone work around here anymore?"

"Well, excuse us. We're on break if you must know Dr. Carter." I replies with attitude as Susan looks down trying to hide her smile.

"Umm."

"What's up your butt?" Susan asks jokingly but he's not in the mood.

"Nothing!...nothing." Carter says and walks away.

"What's wrong with him?" 

"How should I know, he's been like this all day."

"He's just jealous."

"Of.."

"What do you mean of?! Of the cute guy who asked you out."

"Oh come on Susan! Carter and I are just friends."

"Abby... come on. Look you and I know that you and Carter are a little more then just friends."

"What are talking about, no we aren't... why you think he has feelings for me?"

"Would it matter?"

"Well, yea it would. That would change a lot of things."

"Abby, I'm not saying that he does, but I do think that you both are starting to think of each other as a little more then close friends... and that's ok!"

"No it's not. Carter is my friend, he has been for years. I don't see him that way."

"Well, maybe that's because you don't let yourself think of him that way. Look, Abby you're my best friend and I just want to see you happy again. Maybe you don't like Carter, fine. But I think maybe it's time that you do start dating again."

"Susan... I don't think I'm ready I mean it hasn't been that long I-"

"I know that. But you have to move on, going out and having fun might help you... it's not a crime to want to be happy... just think about it."  
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I walk by exam 2 to see Abby inside treating the burn guy. I can instantly feel myself getting jealous. I want Abby to be happy, and who am I to say that she'd be happy with me, but I can't help getting a little upset.

She looks up, making eye contact with me and I smile and walk away. She comes out of the room catching me just before I round the corner.

"John, wait up!"

"What's up?"

"Look, are we ok? I know things were kind of, well, weird this morning. But I feel like you're angry with me or something... it's not about Dan is it?"

"Who's Dan?" I ask confused and she points to the room. Oh, right.

"I guess a little, I just don't want you to get hurt that's all. Make sure you really know that guy before you say yes."

"Carter, I'm not going to say yes." she laughs. "Are you sure that's all though?"

"Yea.."

"Alright." she says walking back into the room. I have to admit I feel a little better knowing she isn't going out with that guy, but I know that she saw through my bullshit answer. We are really going to have to talk about our relationship soon, I think it's become apparent to both of us I have feelings for her and that kind of sucks for me. But i am starting to wonder how she feels. 

---------------------------------  
A few days later...

"Hello?" I answer groggily.

"John, it's me. Susan went into labor, it's a girl. She just wanted me to call and tell you to get your ass down here... exact words." It's Abby.

"Wow, alright i'll be right there." I laugh hanging up the phone, i bet those were her exact words too.

When I arrive at the hospital, Chuck has taken Susan for a walk around the floor while Abby is sitting in the room holding the baby, it's a girl.

"Knock knock." I mimic and Abby turns to face me. She puts her finger to her lips indicating that the baby is sleeping.

"She's beautiful." I say leaning over Abby's shoulder to get a good look. Abby looks so amazed with the baby.

"Yea she is. I wish I could have had a girl kind of."

"Really?" I ask pulling up a chair next to her.

"Yea, don't get me wrong I love my son. I just always wanted a little girl. Andrew and I were actually thinking about trying again but then he got sick." she says this with natural tone and I am glad she can finally talk about him without breaking down.

"I'm sorry, maybe some day." 

"Yea... you want to hold her." she says and I take her. I don't think she liked my some day comment. I don't really know what I was suppose to say there.

"Hey Carter, didn't think you were coming!" Susan yells walking in.

"I came as soon as I heard. She's beautiful Susan."

"Thanks." I give the baby to mom and walk out into the hall to find Abby. She kind of disappeared and I hope I didn't offend her, I'm sure she doesn't want to think about having kids with someone else. I find her down the hall looking in the nursery. I come up behind her putting my hands on her shoulders and she jumps a little.

"Hey are you okay, I didn't mean to piss you off."

"No, you didn't. Just, Susan has been giving me the whole speech about moving on, trying to date again lately. I guess when you said that it just set a nerve off." At this point I take my hands off her.

"Do you think you're ready to start dating again?" I ask in curiosity.

"I don't know. I can't stay cooped up in my house watching movies with you my whole life can I?" she jokes but I have to admit it hurts a little.

"Didn't know I was such bad company." I say.

"Oh, no. Carter I didn't mean it like that-"

"No, I know." I say but I really don't. Maybe she isn't feeling what I'm feeling at all.

"I just mean that maybe it would be good for me to meet some new people, even go on some dates I don't know. I need to open myself up again if I'm ever going to move on." she says shrugging her shoulders. I can she that she isn't too sure about it, but she's right. I want her to be happy, but I don't think I can watch her go out with a bunch of other guys.

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please review. I will try to post an update sooner this time!!


	7. More then friends

Thanks for reviewing everyone! Sorry it took awhile to update, I have been really busy. I made it pretty long for you! Hope you like it!

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"Hey." Abby says walking up behind me as I stand at the board. I turn around startled and she laughs at me.

"Why are you so jumpy? It's so loud in here." She laughs. It's been a madhouse here all day.

"Sorry, did you get patterson up to surgery."

"Yea, he went up a few minutes ago." she says and I nod erasing him from the board.

"Listen I wanted to ask you something... are you busy tonight?"

"I'm on all night, why what's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just need someone to watch Jake for me."

"Are you on or?-"

"No, I. Well, I was going to go out with a friend." she says slowly. I know this means a guy friend but she is too embarrassed to say it.

"Anyone I know?" I ask pushing her.

"Uh, no I don't think so." she says and grabs a chart before walking away. It actually looks more like she is running.

She said she was going to start dating but I didn't think it would be so soon. Abby is going to be out having fun with some guy and I am going to be the babysitter? This wasn't what I had pictured. I need to talk to her.

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Two traumas and three hours later I am still thinking about Abby. I don't know why but I feel mad at her, like she is cheating on me or something when we aren't even together. I need to get my act together and tell her how I feel.

Just then, like clock work, I run smack into Abby.

"Oh, damn." I yell as my papers going flying everywhere.

"Carter, oh sorry. I didn't see you."

"It's fine." I say kind of short and she just looks at me.

"What is your problem you've been pissy all day."

"No I haven't." I say defensively and she rolls her eyes.

"Yes you have. What did I do?!" she yells. She looks pissed. I guess I have been acting like a child.

"Nothing, I'm sorry if I have been a jerk, I'm just tired."

"Carter, look. Are you mad at me cause I told you I was going to start dating again? I feel like ever since then things have been really strained with us... I mean-"

"Abby you're a big girl, do what you want." I spit out. Wow, I am being an ass. She just looks at me for a minute before continuing

"Carter, I know this might be kind of weird for you and stuff I mean you were Andrew's best friend and everything-"

"It's not about that, it's not about him!"

"Then what is it!"

"I want to be that guy Abby! I... I wanna be that guy." I start yelling then lower my voice considering we are in the middle of the hospital. She looks taken back and confused.

"What are you talking about..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything because I don't want things to be weird and because I felt guilty because of Andrew and I didn't know how you felt and-" I say rambling on she looks terrified and I know I should shut up.

"I...um. I thought that you might... but." she says trying to find the words she is looking for. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Cause I didn't wanna see the look you have on your face." She immediately looks away when I say that. "Abby, i'm sorry I have been such an ass, and I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear from me-"

"Abby, you're patient in two is dropping!" lydia screams around the corner and we both jump. She looks at me before returning to work. That's the last time we speak to each other that day.

------------------------------------------------

"Can I get CBC's and chem 7. I'll be right back." I say to haleh before stepping outside. I'm so tired, I've been here all night and I have to leave to catch a plane in a couple hours. Weaver is sending me to a conference in her place, even though I declined.

"Hey I didn't think you were on?" I ask Abby as I walk over to the board. I was going to call her last night but I didn't have the time or the guts. I didn't exactly get the response I wanted yesterday but I suppose that wasn't the best way to tell her either, screaming at her in the hospital.

"I'm not actually, I was going to see if I could get someone to take a look at Jake." She says looking antsy.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask worried.

"I don't know, I think it's just a cold but I can't break his fever and he's been crying all night. He keeps grabbing at his throat but there are not patches."

"I'll look at him where is he?"

"He's in the lounge. I managed to get him here without waking him up." she says as we walk towards the lounge. He is sleeping on the couch, his cheeks are rosy and his eyes are swollen from crying.

"Alright lets move him into a room-"

"There aren't any. I looked."

"Ok.. well i'll put him in curtain three for now. He should get some fluids in him." I carry him over to the bed and lay him down he wakes up and immediately starts crying.

"It's ok baby, mommy's right here." Abby says rubbing his forehead. He is miserable.

"Alright Jake this is going to pinch a little-'' I say as the nurse gets the IV ready.

"Maybe I should do it-"

"Abby you can't treat family."

"Well then maybe we should get him another doctor." she says pointing out that this is pretty much family to me as well.I roll my eyes and nod to the nurse to let Abby put in the IV. Jake cries a little but he doesn't scream like I expected.

"Start him on some fluids and tylenol, let's see if we can get this fever down." I say to the nurse as I pull Abby out.

"He looks fine, we'll run some tests for strep but I think it's probably just a cold." she nods agreeing.

"You alright?" I ask noticing that she can't look me in the eye. She looks at me uncomfortably and nods. I don't want things to be this awkward.

"Yea, I was just panicking for awhile there. I'm a doctor I should be able to help him, and no matter what I did he just kept crying."

"I think he's just tired. Was he up all night?"

"Yea, off and on... so when are you leaving?"

"Um.. wow three hours actually." I say looking at my watch.

"Well, thanks for looking at him."

"Of course, I'll come let you know when his labs are back." I say walking away. It seems like she is really uncomfortable around me so I probably shouldn't stick around.

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"Hey, strep was negative." I say walking over to Abby and handing her the labs.

"Yea, he looks like he is perking up a little." she says and I nod.

"Do you want me to stick around, I don't have to go to this conference." I don't want to leave if something is wrong with Jake.

"No, just a cold right? I'm sure he'll be fine... but thanks Carter."

"Ok well I have to go then, but um.. can we talk for a minute?" I ask. I don't want to leave when things are so awkward between us.

"Sure." she says and steps into the lounge with me.

"I just... i wanted to apologize for the way I came at you yesterday. I don't want things to be like this."

"I don't know what I am suppose to say to you Carter, I mean this is-"

"I know. I know."

"You are my best friend John, and I lean on you for so much, I guess I just wasn't expecting it." she says and I nod. "No, that's a lie."

"What?" I say confused.

"I knew. I mean I thought that I knew but I just didn't let myself believe it. I didn't want to believe it." my hearts sinks at that until I see the look on her face.

"Why?"

"Cause I was scared. Cause I was starting to think of you as more then a friend too." at this my head springs up.

"Really... wh- you never said anything so-" I say approaching her.

"I know, I'm just... it's confusing. When I'm with you I find myself having feelings for you but then I think of Andrew and I freak out Carter! I mean what is this what are we doing, Andrew was your best friend!"

"I know that Abby, don't you think that I know that! I'm constantly thinking of him, I'm always carrying around this guilt with me but I can't just erase my feelings."

"I don't know what to say." she says a tear falling down her cheek. I can see this is making her feel awful and I know how she feels.

"He would want us to be happy Abby. After months of tearing myself up over this that is the only thing I know. and I know we would have to take things slow but I really want this-"

"Um, sorry to interrupt but you're son is asking for you." the nurse says to Abby as she wipes her face.

"Ok thanks." she says and then looks to me. "I need to get back to him."

"I have to go." I say and she looks confused for a minute before realizing what I'm talking about.

"I guess I'll see you when you get back then." she says like she is asking. I nod. She starts to walk away but come back and hugs me. I'm surprised at first as her body slams into me but then I hug her close. I think she is scared that we aren't going to be friends again after all of this, at least not like we used to be.

"Have a safe flight." she says letting go and walking out the door. I have never been so confused in my life.

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Please review! Hope you liked that chapter, Carter finally spilled his guts lol. This next week is going to be busy so I don't know when my next update will be but here's a preview:

Next Chapter: Carter gets an emergency phone call when Jake ends up in the hospital, bringing him home from the conference. Abby and Carter talk about their relationship.


	8. Let love in

Thanks for the reviews everybody! Here is the next chapter, hope you like it. I am going back to school Sunday so I don't know when my next update will be but hopefully i'll be able to post something soon...

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After three hours of gripping my plane seat I finally land. I have so many things running through my head today, I don't know how I even remembered the directions to the hotel. I can't get over what Abby said to me this morning in the lounge. All I have wanted for the past couple months is to hear her tell me that she had feelings for me too, but the way she said it in the lounge, it was like it was something dirty and wrong. I know that she is confused and she feels guilty because of Andrew, I know he is all I have thought about these past couple of hours. I just keep thinking of how I have somehow wronged him by falling in love with Abby. I think that she feels the same way. It's so hard.

When I arrive at the hotel the receptionist tells me that I already have three messages left for me. She hands me a piece of paper with the numbers to call back and I notice they are all the hospital. My first thought is that I haven't even been gone 24 hours, they don't need me. Then I think of Jake, and Abby. I hope something didn't happen. I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and I realize I never turned it back on after I got off the plane, sure enough there are two new messages.

"John, It's Abby I hope you get this before you get on the plane... I, I feel really stupid about the way I acted earlier, I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I don't know, I just wanted to talk. Give me a call."

"Carter, it's me again, Jake isn't doing so well. They did some more tests after his fever spiked, they think it's meningitis...it's bad John, I just thought you should know."

My heart immediately sinks when I hang up the phone. Between all of the sniffling I could barely hear Abby, he must be pretty bad. Damn it, how did I not catch that? His neck hurt, he had a fever, what the hell is wrong with me.

I pick up my phone again and dial the hospital.

"County General- ER."

"Jerry, it's Carter."

"Hey how's the sun-"

"Is Abby around?"

"No, she went up to peds. You know about Jake right?"

"Yea, I know. how is he doing?"

"Uh not good I think. I don't know much about it."

"Alright I need to talk to Kerry, where is she?"

"Oh right here hold on..."

"Hello!" She yells into the phone.

"Kerry, look you need to send Luka or someone out here I'm coming back."

"Carter? What are you talking about?"

"I'm coming home, if you want someone here send someone else." I say and hang up. I don't have time for this crap I need to get home.

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So, flying all the way to Phoenix and back in one day is not the best idea ever. I am so jet lagged I could probably sleep right here on the street.

I walk into the hospital, dodging Kerry and her screaming and get in the elevator . I can see Abby talking to the nurses when I get up there. She looks awful, her eyes are puffy and red, and her oversized sweater looks like it is going to swallow her whole. I look to my right to see Jake in exam 3, he has a breathing mask on, and I can see they put in an IV.

"Carter?" I turn to see Abby looking at me along with the nurse. She looks confused, like she didn't know that as soon as I heard that message I wouldn't come home. She knew.

"Hey-"

"When did you get here? I thought you had already left when I called you."

"I did, but I got a plane back. Is he ok?"

"John, you didn't have to do that-"

"Abby-"

"No, you didn't have to. But I'm glad you did." she continues and I smile. It's nice to hear that she wanted me here. I pull her into a hug and she buries her face into my chest.

"What happened?"

"Well, after you left he seemed to be doing ok but then his fever spiked again and he had a seizure." I wince at this. A seizure usually means it's pretty severe, bacterial meningitis for sure. I was hoping she meant viral. "So they managed to stabilize him and they were changing his clothes after the seizure and they noticed he had a rash." I can see she is starting to get upset.

"I'm sorry, I should have caught it, he seemed fine I didn't-"

"No, John it's not your fault. God I'm a doctor too, I should have seen it."

"Abby don't blame yourself. He is going to be fine." I say and she nods her head wiping her eyes." What is he on?"

"Anti seizure, fluids. They kept him on tylenol just upped the does, but they put him on dexamethasone." she says in a whisper. They wouldn't put him on steroids if his brain was under pressure. God I feel horrible right now.

"Come on let's go sit with him." I say pulling her to me and we walk together into his room.

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I was glad that John didn't bring up our relationship this past week. Under the circumstances I was in no mood to talk about anything other then my son, and I just needed him to be there for me. Without definitions of what we meant to each other.

Now that Jake has woken up, and he is slowly getting better I have had more time to think, and all that seems to occupy my mind is the man sitting next to me. I can't believe I told him that I had feelings for him, I mean I do, but that one statement changes so much between us. I really should have thought about that more before blurting things out. I suspected that Carter had feelings for me other then friendship for a long time I just didn't want to admit it. It was like I felt ashamed or something for feeling this way because of Andrew. But I can't help how I feel, John has always been one of my best friends and he has been there for me through everything. I guess somewhere along the way, he grabbed my heart. It's also comforting to have someone around that was close to Andrew too, they are very similar.

Jake is getting released today, he isn't 100 better but I know I can take care of him at home and they feel he is well enough to be discharged. Carter is going to help me get all of his stuff home and I know that we are going to have to talk. I just don't know what I am going to say. I know that deep down I want to be with him, I want to be happy again and Carter is an amazing person. But in my head I just keep thinking of Andrew.

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After I pick up Jake's medicine from the pharmacy I drive over to Abby's house. I don't know why but I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. We haven't discussed our relationship since I came home because of Jake being sick, but I know that we are going to have to talk eventually now that he is home and recovering.

"Hello!" I yell out as I walk inside. All the lights are out, but I know I saw Abby's car in the garage.

"We're upstairs!" She yells and I walk towards the stairs.

"Hey, where do you want me to put these?" I ask holding up the medicine.

"Oh I'll take them." she says and I hand them to her. Jake is sleeping in his new bed, we got him " a big boy" bed just before he went into the hospital which he loves. It's really low so he won't fall, but I know Abby is still worried, he is still pretty young. I only wish he was feeling better, he's going to have to be in bed all the time, he'll hate it in a few days.

"How long has he been sleeping?"

"Since we got here. He's pretty tired from getting discharged and everything." I nod. He screamed when they took the IV out, the nurse wasn't very good at it. Then he had to wait around for two hours for the doctor.

"How long did Kerry give you off?" I ask as we walk out of the room Abby shutting the door.

"Um just a week but I figure he should be good enough to stay with a sitter by then. He is already doing so well he's just tired." Usually kids are in the hospital for a few weeks with meningitis but we caught it early enough so that he didn't get to sick.

"You want to get some sleep, I can stay up for him." I say noticing how tired Abby looks.

"What?.. oh, no it's ok. I was actually hoping we could talk?" Oh great. I knew this was coming, and as much as I want to get this sorted out, I can't help feeling like I am going to throw up.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I say sitting on the edge of the bed. She just gives me a look telling me to drop the act. "I don't really know what else to say." I tell her and I she sits down.

"Carter, I don't know what do. All of this is just really confusing, and I don't know, scary."

"Why scary?"

"Cause it's you! I mean I have known you for so long and you're my best friend. I don't want to mess things up." she says and I nod.

"Abby I care about you a lot, but I don't know if I can just pretend to be your friend anymore when I feel like this. I don't want to be just friends."

"What about Andrew?"

"What about him... Abby I know you're feeling guilty, because I am too. I feel like that everyday because I know you meant everything to him, and I feel like everyday I am stepping on his toes or something, like I'm betraying him. But, the fact is he's not here. As much as I wish he was, that I could bring him back, I can't. And we deserve to be happy, he would want that for us." By the time I am done rambling Abby looks like she is going to cry. I reach out and touch her cheek and she sighs.

"What?" I ask her. "What are you thinking?"

She looks at me for a minute like she is contemplating what to say but she catches me off guard when she leans in to kiss me. I pull her to me as we kiss, my hands holding her face. I didn't expect her to kiss me, but not that she has I am holding on to her with all I have just praying this isn't a dream.

As we fall back onto the bed I have so many things running through my mind. I keep thinking about the day I first met Abby, how in love with her I was after five minutes. The day Jake called me dad. The look on Abby's face when I told her I wanted to be with her. All of the events that have led to this moment, to when Abby and I can finally be together. I just hope that every time I look at a picture of Andrew, or hear or see something that reminds me of him, I don't feel like a sham of a best friend.

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Please review!


	9. Public Knowledge

Thanks for reviewing everyone, I have had a really busy week so sorry about the late update.

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The next morning I wake up to a blinking clock reading 5:48 am. I know that I have a shift in a few hours but I can't seem to go back to sleep, I just keep staring at the picture on the night stand. It's Andrew, he has Jake on his shoulder's and Jake is laughing. I feel like he is staring at me or something, even though it's just a picture. I roll over to find the bed empty. My heart sinks a little thinking that Abby probably ran off but this is her house so she couldn't have left.

I walk downstairs looking in all the room when I notice the front porch light is on. I see her sitting on the steps through the window, still pajama clad in my shirt and a short pair of shorts and I realize she must be freezing considering it's the middle of January. I notice her body tighten when I open the door but she doesn't turn around. She doesn't need to.

"What are you doing out here?" I ask sitting down next to her.

"Just thinking." she responds smiling up at me. She looks so beautiful sitting here in my shirt.

"What are you thinking about?"

"What do you think?" She asks in a duh voice and I laugh under my breath. I am nervous to ask what she is feeling because I don't want my heart to get stomped on, but at the same time I am dying to know. We were barely ready to admit that we wanted to be together let alone sleep together.

"I just want to be let in." I say softly and she looks up at me.

"I don't really know, I guess I am thinking a lot of things right now." she says with a slight giggle. "Things just happened so quickly I don't know how I feel."

"Do you regret it?"

"No, no Carter that isn't what I mean... I'm just kind of confused that's all. I guess this whole thing scares me."

"Scares you?" I ask. "I thought we talked about this last night."

"No, not that...I mean well yea I still meant what I said last night, but after everything that happened...and well, being with you last night. I don't know, I feel happy again and it's been along time since that's happened." this makes me smile and I can see that she is blushing slightly.

"That's not something that should scare you." I say brushing the side of her cheek.

"Are you kidding me, that's something that scares the crap out of me. Everything happy in my life seems to fade. I don't want to get my hopes up, I don't want to start something if I am going to get hurt again, ya know? Especially with you, I mean I don't know what I would do with out our friendship."

"Abby, you won't get hurt. I promise... and I promise that you aren't going to lose me or our friendship. And ya know I'm feeling a lot of the same things too. I'm scared, but, I know this is what I have wanted for so long." she smiles at this and I can see relief wash over her face slightly. She cups my face leaning up to kiss me and I pull her close, I really don't want this to end.

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It had been about two weeks since that night and Abby and I were still keeping our relationship a secret. She said that she didn't feel comfortable telling everyone at work yet because they all knew Andrew and she didn't know how they would react. Although I completely understood, I was finding it harder and harder to keep my feelings to myself. I loved Abby, I was in love with her and I had been for months. Now that we were together, I didn't want to hide it.

I'm sitting in the lounge going over some charts when Abby walks in to get her things.

"Hey, are you off?"

"Yea, finally... what are you doing?"

"Just going over some charts from my cancer patient." she smiles sadly as she puts her coat on.

"I can't imagine how her parent's must feel, she's so young." she's right. I couldn't believe how young she was, practically a baby, only three years old girl with Leukemia. I remember how hard it was when Bobby was diagnosed and he was much older.

"Yea I know... so I was thinking-"

"Uh oh-"

"Hey!" I say grabbing her waist and she laughs. "Let's go to dinner or something. Like a date, we haven't done that yet." she smiles and is about to answer when Luka and Susan walk in the room and she backs away from me trying to act like nothing is going on.

"Hey guys!" Susan yells cheerily while pouring some coffee, Luka just grabs something off the counter and walks out.

"Hi." I say and she looks at us curiously.

"Are you guys ok?"

"Yea I'm just heading out." Abby says and looks at me. I grab the chart on the table and walk out to the desk putting it away. By the time I walk back in Susan has left and Abby is sitting on the couch.

"Thought you were leaving."

"Carter, don't-"

"If you can't even be with me comfortably around here are you going to be able to walk around in public, are you going to be able to eat dinner at a restaurant without worrying about being seen with me." I ask in frustration even though my voice is quite calm.

"John it's not like I am embarrassed about being with you, I just, I think we should wait awhile, I mean I? don't know how people are going to take it."

"Abby, don't worry about other people. They aren't going to be angry with you for moving on with your life, and it doesn't matter how many years Andrew has been gone, they are not going to forget him. So what are you waiting for?"

"I don't know-"

"Well I just don't think I can do this. I feel like we are having an affair or something. I love you, I don't want to hide that, and i know you were scared at first but Abby we are here everyday how long can we do this?"

"I just need some time." she says without looking me in the eye. I stand there for a minute before nodding. I am trying not to pressure her but I can't help it.

"I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow then." I say grabbing my coat and walking towards the door.

"Are you mad now?" She asks following me out the door. We make it to the desk where I clock out as she whispers behind me.

"Carter, this is hard for me can't you understand that... this hospital is a gossip pool. I just think we should wait awhile. Don't you think this seems a little weird, you were Andrew's best friend."

"I know that Abby, but I'm still going to be his best friend whenever you decide it's a good enough time to tell everyone... and honestly I don't think that time is ever going to come for you."

"It's only been a few weeks John!" she yells now as Frank turns to look at us. "Was I talking to you!" she yells and we both laugh as she gives me a look.

"Abby are you ready for this?" I say pulling her away from frank's gawking. "If you aren't ready yet, then i'll back off but I need to know." I say praying she doesn't stomp on my heart. She nods her head and I lean down to kiss her.

"Wow when did this happen!" Susan ask coming around the corner. We break apart surprised and I can see Abby is beat red. I don't know what to say, so I look to Abby.

"Um, a couple of weeks ago." she replies and Susan freaks.

"Why didn't you tell me!" She yells. "Good for you two, I thought I was going to have to lock you in a room together for a few days." she says hugging Abby and then walking into the room behind us. I stand there for a minute forgetting how to speak.

"I'm sorry." I apologize for kissing her in the middle of the hospital. She smiles and leans up to continue our kiss.

"no you're right, I need to do this, I need to stop being scared."

"Are you sure?" I ask and she grabs my hand and nods. We make our way out of the hospital never letting go of each other's hands and watching the reactions we get, none of them bad thank god. I knew Abby was scared and I was pushing her, but that didn't mean I wasn't just as scared of everyone's reaction. All the people we work with love Abby though and we are all close, they just want her to be happy.

It's been kind of hard for me lately. I am so happy with Abby, but the one person I would go talk to about things, was Andrew. Not only is he not here but I feel guilty when I think of the situation. I wish I could talk to Andrew somehow, to know he approves and that maybe then I wouldn't carry a heavy heart when I think of him. I hope that that feeling will go away slowly.

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Kinda of a filler chapter. I hope you liked it though, I'll have a longer chapter next time. Please review!


	10. Defense

Sorry about the wait, college is crazy. Here's the next chapter, hope you like it. Not really sure where I want to go with this story so I have had some writers block. Any ideas?... throw them at me.

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I can't believe how warm out it is today. Entering the end of march, all of the snow is gone and it feels like summer. Abby and I have been together for over two months and things have been going really well for us. We haven't left the honeymoon stage, so everyone at work hates when we hang all over each other but I don't care, I love it. I have waited so long to be with her, and we are really happy.

Jake is still too young to understand what is going on I think. We tried to explain things to him, but I don't think it really phased him much. I have always been around anyways, and sadly it seems that he is beginning to forget Andrew. I try so hard everyday to tell him stories about his dad, things they did together and such but I don't know if it really helps him remember. It's really hard for Abby to watch Andrew's memory fade away.

Today I decided to take Jake to the park and let Abby have sometime alone before Andrew's parents come to town. They are suppose to be here tomorrow and Abby is really stressed out. They have been continuing to talk after Andrew's death but Abby never really got along with them when Andrew was here so it is kind of difficult to have them around. They don't know about Abby and I either and I am sure they are going to fly through the roof when she tells them, if she does. They put a lot of pressure on her, and all they do is talk about Andrew when they are there. That's not a bad thing but they don't think that maybe it's hard for Abby to talk about him.

"Peanut butter and fluff." I say handing Jake his sandwich. I don't know how he can eat that stuff.

"You want some?" He asks, mouth open and full of food.

"No thanks." I laugh. "So how was school?" I ask him and he starts his 20 minute story about how someone stole his paint brush. It's quite cute actually, I wish I could be that young again. Abby started him in preschool a few days a week and he hasn't been doing very well with sharing. Consequences of being an only child I guess. He starts telling me about a family picture he had to draw and my stomach starts to knot up.

"I didn't draw daddy though cause I couldn't remember what he looked like, mommy said she'll give me a picture to bring in."

"Don't you have a picture of him in your room?" I asked, confused as to why he doesn't remember what Andrew looks like.

"Yea, but it's old, what if he looks different now? What if his hair got longer like mine?" He asks curious and I smile.

"You're right." I say and he gives me a 'duh' look.

"Can I just draw you tomorrow?" he asks and I find myself speechless, I don't think Abby would appreciate it if I said yes but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

"Why don't you want to draw you're dad?"

"I don't know. Are you going to be my dad?" he asks and I can't seem to avoid his stare. What does someone say to that?

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"Abigail!!" Andrew's mother yells coming in the front door. I walk into the hall and see her standing there with a small overnight bag.

"Diane? What are you doing here I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow?" I ask confused and feeling ridiculous standing there in my sweats and cleaning gloves.

"Oh, well I was going to but Henry can't come anymore because of some stupid business meeting, so I decided instead of sitting home along I would just come early." She shouts with joy and I want to throw up. I wasn't ready at all for this, and Jake isn't even here to make is less awkward for us to be in the same room together.

"Ok, well I was just cleaning, if you want to put your things in the guest room you can I'll just pick up quickly." I say and run into the kitchen, it's disgusting and she is immaculate. This is going to be a great day.

I begin throwing dishes into the dish washer when I hear her come up behind me.

"What did you do to the kitchen!" She yells with an awful look on her face.

"What do you mean... oh I painted..."

"Green? Honestly... I mean that was Andrew's least favorite color. You should have kept it the way it was." I bite my tongue and nod turning back to my cleaning. She never fails to make me feel stupid or guilty. She always talks about Andrew that whole time she is here and about everything he wouldn't like that I do or have done.

"Abby? We're back!"

"Mom, look!" I can hear Jake and Carter yelling from the hall and I close my eyes. I didn't think they would be back so early, I didn't really want Diane to see Carter.

"Is that John?" She asks and I nod. She hates that I let Jake go with Carter so much because she knows he doesn't remember his father anymore.

"Mom look! Isn't it cool?" Jake says walking towards me and holding up his arm. There is a huge scarp on his elbow but he is smiling.

"What did he do?" I ask

"He scraped it on the slide... he's fine."

"Oh my god, you shouldn't let him do such things if he is going to get hurt. Why weren't you watching better." Diane says to Carter before hugging Jake.

"He'll be fine. It's just a little scrap...can I talk to you?" he asks looking at me and I decide to bolt while Jake had Diane busy.

"She's a ball of sunshine today... what is she doing here today?"

"Yea, I can't believe she came today... I don't know. She loves to ruin my day." he rubs my shoulders as I talk and I smile. I wish he could stay with me today but I haven't told Diane about us yet and I doubt I will have the balls to anytime today.

"What?" I ask as he looks like he has something to tell me.

"Nothing, I should get going ...you going to be ok?"

"Yea I'll be fine. I'll call you later."

"Ok, I love you." he says kissing me.

"I love you too." I say as he walks out the door and I close it behind him.

"Where you planning on telling me?" I hear from behind and turn to see Andrew's mother standing there. I suddenly feel like I am about to be scolded like a little girl even though I really haven't done anything wrong.

"Oh, look-"

"How could you. What about Andrew!"

"What about him? I loved Andrew, and I still do... but he's gone. and I have to accept that and move on, I would think that you would want me to be happy again." I can see she is taken back that I am fighting back for once.

"It's barely been a year. I can't believe you would do this to him, and what about your son!"

"Jake loves John."

"He thinks he's his father! And he's not, he never will be. All you are doing is setting that boy up for another heartbreak and extreme confusion. I thought you were a better mother then that, but clearly I have been very wrong about you."

"I am a good mother, Jake is not going to get hurt ok. Carter loves him, they love each other and no matter what happens he will always be in his life. And you know what I think that's a good thing, he needs a man in his life and Andrew would agree if he was here. He was Carters best friend or have you forgotten?!" I yell furious. How dare she come into my home and talk to me this way.

"Oh I haven't forgotten but apparently you have. You think it's ok to be sleeping with your husband's best friend? Cause you are still married whether my son is alive or not. You are sinning and I know that if Andrew is seeing what I just saw, he would be turning over in his grave." she spats before walking upstairs. I stand there stunned at what just happened. I have never fought with Andrew's mother, mostly because I try to ignore all her hurtful comments. But I just couldn't do that tonight.

I feel like I am going to explode so I grab my coat yelling upstairs to Diane that I'll be back, that I am leaving Jake here. I hear a muffled response and say bye to Jake before walking out.

I arrive at the cemetery 20 minutes later crying my eyes out. I don't know why really, I guess I just let her words get to me. I wish Andrew was here, I want him to tell me that she is stupid and that he doesn't hate me for what I have done.

"Hi... sorry it's been so long. You know how it is working at County." I say leaning against his grave and looking up at the sun.

"I hate your mother... why did you have to leave me alone with her?" I laugh wiping my eyes. I can't let her get to me like this, Andrew used to always tell me that. He knows how she is.

"I miss you." I whisper in the air as I close my eyes. The wind comes through blowing my hair everywhere and I breathe in deeply. "I hope you're proud of me."

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please review!!


	11. Not today

Long time since I updated, sorry about that. School is crazy. I have had a hard time coming up with some new ideas for the story so this was just kind of thrown together to throw some angst in the story and keep it going. I will probably be ending in the next couple of chapters unless people can give me some ideas. Hope you like it

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Over the next couple of months life went on like normal. Carter and I were doing really well and we were getting closer and closer, if that was at all possible. Diane ended up apologizing to me after our blowout to my surprise. I don't think she has really dealt with Andrew's death yet, and it's approaching two years.

Jake had his fourth birthday, he is getting so big. I can't believe that he starts kindergarden next year, I don't think I am ready for that. He has been doing really well with Carter, I panic every time he asks me if we are going to get married though. I am in no way ready to get married again, but I don't know how to explain that to him so I don't. I just change the subject.

"New students are coming in today, Abby I need you to teach." Carter says as I stand in the crowd of attendings and residents before him. I hate these meetings, and I hate teaching.

"What? Why?" I ask surprised. Usually it's up to the residents to teach and they report to the attending.

"Just for this week, Ray is out. You're the best one for the job." he says putting my name on the board. I sigh hoping I can change his mind after the meeting. As we all leave the room I see that the students are already here and just accept my fate.

"Abby!" Carter yells for me to come over. "This is Nicole, she's third year... Nicole this is Dr. Lockhart. She's our attending here, you got lucky you don't have to stick with the residents." he says and she smiles. I think I see a little drool go down her chin but I could be imagining things.

"Alright let's start you out slow, I assume you have already had a tour."

"Yea I did, who was that guy?" she asks smiling. Oh jesus, this should be fun.

"That's Dr. Carter...he's the Chief of Emergency Medicine." I say rolling my eyes. "Here you can start with the head lac in exam 2, i'll be in a minute to assess, come get my if you need anything."

"Alright." she says taking the chart and walking off. Am I really going to have to spend my whole day with some student who is daydreaming of having sex with my boyfriend while I am talking to her. This is just my luck.

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"Hey how's the new student?" Carter asks coming up behind me and putting his arms around me. We have gotten much comfortable at work being touchy-feely now that things are out in the open.

"Well, she almost killed a 70 year old male with angina, she spilt coffee down my shirt, ordered the wrong drug for an asthmatic toddler and, oh yeah, she is in love with you. Anything else?" I say sarcastically and he laughs.

"I'm sure she'll learn, you remember our first days here. We were awful."

"Did you forget the part about her being in love with you?" I ask tilting my head as he smiles.

"She is not in love with me. Besides I can't help it if everyone likes my good looks and charm." he manages to get out before I smack him upside the head with my chart. He throws his arms up in surrender.

"Laugh all you want." I say walking away.

Over the next few weeks I find myself dragging on slowly. As the anniversary of Andrew's death approaches I begin to think about him more and more and it depresses me. I don't want my drunken escapade from last year to make an appearance again. I just hope things get easier, I have been doing so well.

Carter was right, I only had Nicole for that week and then she was handed off to a resident. I have to admit I couldn't have been happier that day. I never told her that Carter and I were together, I just let her go on about how hot he was in hopes that someone would tell her and she would feel like an idiot. I was getting incredibly annoyed though, she was suppose to be working, and she was with an attending, that's not the kind of things you discuss.

Carter of course doesn't believe me. After four weeks of being here, he still doesn't see that she is constantly trying to talk to him and work with him. It makes me laugh sometimes how clueless he is. I tried not to let her get to me to much considering I knew nothing would ever happen.

"Ok, you win." I hear someone say as they enter the lounge. I look up to see Carter standing there.

"And what is is that I win?"

"I just got asked out on a date by a certain student." at this point I start laughing hysterically. Is this girl serious. I told her he was the chief, which means he hasn't exactly been here for a week. I mean she must realize the man is like 10 years older then her and no to mention he can't date students.

"Oh really, well then yea I guess I win... what did you say to her." I ask curious as to how she reacted.

"I told her I was attached and I couldn't date students. I was surprised to see her face fall when I told her we were together. You never told her?" He asks with a smirk.

"Ha. Amazing. No I didn't, I figured I would let her dream." he shakes his head and I reach up to kiss him. "I'll see you tonight, if you decide to go on this date make sure you call and let me know you'll be late." I laugh and he gives me a look.

"You're dead." he's yells as I walk out the door.

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I keep thinking about Carter's offer for me to take the day off as I stand in the lounge. Why didn't I take it? I guess I didn't want to be sitting home thinking of Andrew all day. I know it has to be weird for Carter when this time comes around, knowing how much I am missing another man. But I know he understands and it's comforting to know we can miss him together.

After her embarrassing attempt at getting a date with Carter, Nicole didn't give up. I found her trying harder now and I almost feel sorry for her. Is she that naive? I guess I am being a little jealous, I mean this blonde 27 year old is going after John and I am acting like it doesn't bother me. Who am I kidding. It also irks me that she knows we are together and doesn't care, that is not the way to start off your medical career, being the mistress of the E.R. Someone should really tell her that.

"Where's your puppy?" I ask approaching the admit. desk. Carter looks up confused then smiles. He knows it bothers me as much as I deny it. and I know he tries to avoid her, but hell she's good.

"I sent her off to see a patient. You know maybe you should say something to her because she obviously isn't getting the point from me." he says with an annoyed look on his face.

"I think it's insulting that I should even have to talk to her when she knows we are together. I mean you don't think so?" I ask and he nods.

"No I understand. Nothing is going on though, you don't have to worry."he says lifting my chin. I smile, I never expected he would cheat on me but that doesn't mean I don't worry. I mean I have had such a hard time after Andrews death, opening myself up again and letting someone love me. I don't want to get hurt. Besides it doesn't help that Carter doesn't know how to be anything but nice. She can't 'get the point' if he doesn't give it.

"I know. I trust you."

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As my shift ends that night, I clock out and search for Carter. I was suppose to be meeting him for dinner but I don't see him and assume he is in the lounge.

I think back to that last statement as I walk into the lounge. "I know. I trust you." ha, what an idiot I am. As I open the door to the lounge the first thing I see is Nicole and Carter, lip locked. I feel like throwing something at there heads but hearing the door creak he throws her off. He is about to say something when he sees me standing there.

"Abby-" he begins but I hold up my hand telling him not to bother before leaving. I can hear him running behind me trying to get me to stop but I don't. I can't believe this, I feel like I just got my heart ripped out and I am definitely going to throw up in the next five minutes if I don't get away from him.

He reaches me grabbing my arm and I turn around abruptly pushing him off.

"Abby that wasn't what it looked like-"

"How dare you. I can't fucking believe you! You sat there twelve hours ago telling me nothing was going on-"

"Nothing is going on! I swear. I love you! You walked in right when she pulled me into a kiss. I didn't kiss her Abby I swear, you saw me push her off!"

"Yea cause I walked in!" I scream and try to walk away but he follows me

"I didn't even see or hear you until after Abby, I pushed her off because I didn't want that, I swear... Abby it's me I would never do that-"

"I can't talk to you right now. Not now, not today. I mean today Carter! Did you have to do it today!" I scream at him.

"I didn't kiss her, nothing is going on. Please believe me when I tell you that. Ok, I love you, today is an awful day and I know you are upset but please don't take what you saw the wrong way... nothing is going on with her. I promise." I just look at him for minute before turning around and walking away. He doesn't follow me this time, knowing that he isn't going to get through to me, not today.

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So I kind of threw a lot into one chapter, but I needed some new stuff for the story, I was getting bored with it. lol. I didn't write it in Carter's view, so just so everyone knows he really didn't cheat on Abby. He's telling the truth, don't hate him. haha.

anyways, please review!!


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